Acceptance and Hope

I didn't want to lose Rin.

I didn't want a new dog.

I didn't want to feel the weight of grief for months on end... but, y'all, that's exactly what happened.

The pure shock and denial of losing Rin in 2 hours to a ruptured cancer in his gorgeous heart, was a shock that took me months to process. I moved forward. I rescued, fostered, and trained 2 new big puppy dogs, Norman and Finn - and finally rehomed Finn, who was a foster dog - who lives now an amazing life at the NC coast. But, I felt... like a ghost. I wanted Rin back. I wanted his 8 year old, nap-all-day-in-his-big-pillow energy filling the house. I wanted our routine back in the house. I wanted the feeling of absolutely trusting a dog like I trusted Rin, back in my life again. In short, I was emotionally bleeding out. But, knew that if I acknowledged the pain, it just might overwhelm me.

So, I worked hard on Norman over the last 10 months. When I got to the end of January and he was still tearing up the house and being very 'puppy disrespectful' ...testing his boundaries, and mine; I wondered if I might not be up for the challenge of this young puppy. Then, at about the same time as I was wondering if we needed to rehome him, I noticed a shift. Ironically, it was around Valentines Day. He was executing commands ...not for long, just mere seconds, but he was doing it...! I built on it, day by day, and kept our routine of working each day on crate training, boundaries, eye contact, leave it, the garden boundaries and more.

As he began to connect with me, I began to thaw. I began to see the 'upward turn', and began to think of Norman as a genuinely amazing dog. A dog who was extremely submissive, but INCREDIBLY PLAYFUL...which I am not. We worked on our communication each day...which boiled down to: If you listen to me, you'll get to play and explore for a while during each day. Each week, we worked on more skills. Each day, I began to trust him more and more... then, the test came.

In our neck of the woods, there are herds of deer around us which migrate through from time to time, and in early August, they arrived and just set up a permanent camp!

Through the skills we'd built together, and the amazing Off Leash K9 Training methods, I watched as Norman just stood in the yard and looked at the Deer!! He began to chase them but the second they passed the flagline, he stopped, stomped the ground and ran up and down the woodline...along the flagline - just daring the

deer to come back into the back garden! I REJOICED!!!! From there, I realized that he was understanding what I needed from him. I needed to TRUST him. I needed to know that I was communicating with him and that he was feeling heard by me.

Over the last two weeks, the Pandemic stresses of being exposed to the dangerous conditions of in-person classes during rising cases of DELTA, Norman had been very naughty...but one day I sat with him and said, "I'll bet my stress is stressing you." He sat back, laid down and looked hard at me. Yes... he said with his face. I knew what I needed to do, and since that time, I've seen Norman become even more of a well-behaved dog, looking hard at me for the next move, the next task, the next adventure.

Finally, after 1 year, almost to the day of losing Rin, I think I have found... Acceptance and Hope. I know I'll look back on this year as a year that I learned what I can endure, what I can survive and what I think might kill me...won't.

I'm trusting Norman now like never before. I know more about him now than I ever thought he'd show me. He's trusting me, I'm trusting him. It's the best feeling in the world.

And now, I feel hopeful again. Hopeful that Norman will have an amazing career and life like Rin did. Man, let's be honest, I just feel hopeful in general.

Loss can really suck for a while. But, I promise... it gets better.

I promise.